Patrick

I remember the day that I met you, it was at the roaring spring fireman's carnival...you were skateboarding and i was hanging out with my 2 new friends Jordan and Ian. We spent several years of knowing each other, but not really... when I turned 18 I took you and Ian with me to warped tour, you were starting to dread your hair in some of the crazy colors you enjoyed, at that moment it was just a normal dark orange and black, it was cool. You were the first kid I knew with dreads, and you were younger than me... After that we chilled quite a bit, we both loved tbs, brand new and Thursday, You are actually the person who introduced me to brand new...Then you moved to Central, you became friends with the same people I was friends with and this was after I was in school, You made friends with some of the other most amazing people I know, Evan, John, Nick, you knew them all well and it ruled, because you fit perfectly... endeariam came about and you were making great music that I enjoyed listening to and seeing you guys play... there was a time of partying which I loved sharing with you, but we got "Ty-ed" and "Pat-ed" out, I wish that would have never happened.... but we always still stayed close. Then we started to hang out more, then you moved to indiana with kimmie, I have and always will think that you two were meant for each other.... Then you came back, You, Evan, John and I had a night so intense in the G shack I will never forget, it was your first night back, It was a happy time for us, but a not-so-happy time for you....... we then came upon an agreement to have bible study (or bro-ship) every wednesday night... we met at the shack once or twice, then you got your own place. we met there for a while, often enjoying some sons of anarchy or some random smokes on the porch......... we continued to chill often for several months... On Monday we got drunk and made plans of making our lives better, we talked about starting a tattoo shop/venue/bar out of the old Don Pablo's building... On Sunday morning I got a call from Evan informing me of your death...... I've never felt that way before. I've never had someone so close to me, as close as a brother, not be there anymore... In present time, It is your birthday, or at least it was when I woke up, one way or another it is your birthday, I miss you more than I have ever missed anyone, and that is saying a lot.... I wish you could have been there tonight, I wish i could have just chilled with you one more time, I know its really not possible, but i miss you, and I would just really like to hear advice from the most loving asshole i have ever met.... I miss you bro....... today sucked without you here......

Are there no shadows where you are?
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside (You're pushing me aside)

Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
If something isn't right
If something isn't right

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends

Are you so naive to right and wrong
How could you watch innocence forgone
Does what we've done ever really belong?
It wasted me away (I feel so wasted away)

God if you can hear me out alright
Please take these feelings for her inside
My chest hurts when I breathe tonight
It's wasting me away (You're wasting me away)
You're wasting me away

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
If something isn't right
If something isn't right

This is our last (This is our last)

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our goodbye
This is where love ends

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends

So weary!

And leary…

And dreary…

Stop this mind from racing all the time

Restful peace, come hither, be mine

It was here earlier, but now it’s long gone and out of sight!

On this restless, sleepless, clogged up left nostril night

I remember sleep

And what a comfort it was

But now all it does is leave me lacking

Because even there these thoughts just won’t stop yacking

So I, I hit the floor and on bruised knees start banging down your door.

Can’t take this anymore

Holy Spirit manifest your being

Comfort this soul,

So that I can start singing of that peaceful feeling that any minute now you’ll be bringing

Grace grows in winter I am told

But that’s not what I want to hear right now, truth be known

It’s you Father that I desire

So put out this unholy fire

And set ablaze me anew

With a peace that comes only from you

Where else can I turn and what else may I do?

Here I am…

Yours!

Here I am…

Yours!

Here I am…

Yours!

I fear never finding someone that I can fall in love with and have her love me back just as much........

So I've been in this mood lately. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I guess it just calls for me writing it down so I may understand what is up.

I'm kind of going NOWHERE in life. completely Idle, and it's been stuck in Idle for at least 3 years or so. sometimes I just get it in my head that I'm not going to succeed in much of anything. I have dreams, but they seem to change more rapidly than ever.... It's as though I know what I want, it's just keeping that desire there that is the problem. I really wish I had any idea how to fix something like that. Sometimes I wonder if there's a problem with it or not, the going nowhere yes, but the changing of dreams. How can somebody ever achieve their dreams if they are constantly changing..... I absolutely hate my job, but I love the people I work with, so I stay there because I am comfortable..... Comfort sucks.... I need to be taken out of my comfort zone and make change happen.....BLEH!!!!!!!

Right now i feel like not typing any of this anymore...... if i actually follow through with something I'll try to make it finishing this entry in the future days........

i have tried to type whats on my mind about 10 times. I then deleted it. several times. and this is what my journal will say instead.......

I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things I'm ashamed of feel like dear old st Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all

So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss your lips, but I kiss your cheek
Just hear my request, give this one on fair way
Please take me home before it's too late

Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all wiped from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place

I'm not listening I'm over it, sending it over and out
It isn't alright to reside in this town anymore
And what for?

Call all my good friends, tell them it's come down to this
I always said that they'd know where to find me
When all else fails and I'm running on ocean time

This city's colder than it used to be
Sometimes I wonder can anyone else see
My heart's not broken but it seems to be ignoring me

I'm not listening I'm over it, sending it over and out
It isn't alright to reside in this town anymore
And what for?

This city's colder than it used to be
Sometimes I wonder can anyone else see
My heart's not broken but it seems to be ignoring me

Midnight is where the day begins, get up and get over it
The darker the berry the sweeter is the wine

This city's colder than it used to be
Sometimes I wonder can anyone else see
My heart's not broken this time but it seems
I've just spent to long in this place I believe
I'll start again today in a new city

This song reminded me of a very close friend that needs to hear this song.....There's a lot more to the reasoning behind me putting this song here, but it's complicated..... and I'm tired





She cannot see the ocean.
For the trees that block the way.
She cannot see forever 'cause,
she cant see past today.
She's driving home so empty.
From another one night stand.
With a guy who doesnt care,
but just wants to feel like a man.
If only falling in love was as easy making it.

But
nobody hugs a rose (3x)
She's all alone 'cause nobody hugs a rose.

She has no ring to speak of.
Save the one her daddy left.
He stepped out of her life,
leaving some jewelry on a shelf.
Seems like every man she loves ends up walking away.

'Cause
nobdy hugs a rose (3x)
She's all alone 'cause nobody hugs rose.

There's never been a prettier soul,
No, theres never been a lovelier rose.
But she can never wipe away all her tears.
She cries herself to sleep and
wakes up to the same old fears.
She only needs someone to hold to her right now.
A man who would wear those thorns like a crown.

She steps into the bedroom,
and falls onto the floor.
She cries out to her savior
that she just cant take no more.
Jesus says "Girl I've been waiting,
for this very day.
When I could pick you up and strip those dirty thorns away."
Nevermore will she think in her old futile ways,

That
nobody hugs a rose (3x)
She's not alone, 'cause somebody loved a rose.

BLEACH-HEARTBEAT


It’s been a long long time since
Since I’ve spent some time with you
I’m seeing lonely moments
Seeing lonely truths
A distant tone has come to me
And now I find I’m missing
That old familiar tune
A song your heart has played me
A rhythm I once new

So lay me down at your feet
And sing the words that you know I need

Cause I’m here I want to hear your heartbeat
Please put your love around me
And just let me know
That you’re here
Now I’m an arms reach from you
From the lover of my soul

And so ill fight the current
I’ll fight the undertow
Help me swim away from
Where my weakness grows

Today was at first the shittiest day I've experienced in a long time.

First I woke up to realize that I had pink eye, in both eyes. Sucked.

Then I questioned my girlfriend's strange attitude, and she told me she didn't want what we had, and she planned on moving in June, to North Carolina. Sucked more.

I then sat around the house wondering what else could possibly go wrong. Realized I was quite the loser as of lately, then decided today was the day I have been waiting for for a long time. I was going to not be lazy and try to find an apprenticeship as a tattoo artist. I researched Artists online, from all over the nation. I found an artist that I felt had the best tattoos and would be the best mentor. Sent him an Email explaining exactly what I felt about tattooing and how much I desired to learn and be taught by him specifically. He sent me an email back that I just read about 15 minutes ago. It said that He would love to teach me, and he will have an opening within the year, So I think I may actually be taking this somewhere, somewhere I have been searching for the path to for a long time...

Everything happens for a reason, while the reasons are not understood at first, the Lessons do the speaking......

Is it weird to try harder for something because you want to remember what you were looking for in the begining, as if you forgot all along what you really wanted?


And why the hell do all meteorologists have such fucked up hair? Is it a class in college to make you like weird hair?

It's kind of funny, I wrote this once, It was kind of good, a lot of run ons but it explains a good bit........




For some reason it always turns out that when I listen to them, it makes me think of you. It's odd, I remember all of the things that I've managed to forget about. Like the way things used to be, how they really used to be, not the way I've portrayed them since day 1 of life without you. Things were amazing, simply amazing. For instance it reminds me of the way things were when we went to your cousins wedding, I can picture all of it, Understand every lyric, I can see you, the things we used to do, even the way you would look at me... It was amazing, That summer was amazing. honestly I can't remember the past couple because that one outweighed them all.... It will change, I'm sure of that, sometimes I wonder about you and how things are going. Then, I think about it and feel like an idiot, because all I have seen in the past few years are the bad things, the bad thoughts I formed about you, I hated you, After loving you for so long and having so many amazing times, how is it that the hate and the pain can outweigh the good that actually happened. I guess what I am realizing tonight is the fact that I shouldn't let something so small in the course of my life ruin the course in itself. Not ruin, I'd never say that, the past few years have been the type that I wouldn't change for the world. It has everything to do with the friends involved....... Which brings me back to my point, I've also realized that I don't want to actually lose you as a friend for my whole life, there's a dirty past, but there is also a beautiful friendship, with someone that cannot be easily forgotten. As I am writing this it makes me wonder what your thoughts are, have you already thought this up? I know you have, you always thought about the people around you....Although I haven't been anywhere around you, you are still reminded of me, and your attempt at keeping a friendship between us. I didn't know how to take that attempt, I was too convinced I was going to have to make a friendship that was already established 4 summers before, I was too blinded by the fact that you didn't want to love me anymore, that maybe you never did, or even the fact that there was someone else who won your heart. The bitterness was like a poison inside me. I started drinking, which wasn't bad, I tried it once, and it made me feel better, better in the moment, but worse in the whole picture of it all. After the drinking came the smoking, I mean yeah, I had that cigar the summer I picked my friend up from the airport after he'd been in another country for a year, but this time I was smoking for the sake of the buzz, the word I used to describe the feeling of satisfaction, the feeling of not being me for a slight second, the confusion. The Cigarettes were a secret pleasure when I was smoking cloves, something I just enjoyed for the moment, Then there was the time I smoked weed, what a day, It was a buzz that I have never even understood the extremity of, It was the one thing that I tried, that made me forget I was really living, which may make no sense I'm sure, but it makes too much sense. It's something to get so drunk you throw up, can't stand, and even can't function; but it is something else to be able to do everything you can do in real life, but just make it seem an almost fiction in the light of the moment.....The funniest thing is the fact that it happened for the first time on the day in which is all about "Love". Then, like a downhill stumble, it turned into present day, I can remember one week that I didn't smoke at all, I loved it, I loved it so much that I wanted to quit all together, I wanted it all to end for good.... It lasted for a week, One Whole Week! I honestly don't remember any other time I made it through 2 days without smoking, let alone a week. I convince myself that I have, and try to recall it, when I don't remember it, I claim that it happened, but honestly cant remember the last time that it actually did, I haven't been like that for the entire 2 Februaries since my first experience. It was actually something that I tried but didn't want to do again...... Or at least the few months until it was summer again. It makes me wonder what it was that got me started in it all. For the past few years I have thought it was the fact that I found one thing that I had in my life, one thing that I managed to forget about, friends. In a large way it was my friends, but it wasn't the ones that I tried it with for the first time, or the ones that I would call to come over and smoke now, it was my closest friends. It was the ones who stayed away from it with me, maybe they had tried it like myself, I had about 5 of them, Five that were really close, 5 friends that may or may not have even had the chance to try it. One by One they started to realize the amazing ability it had to make you forget everything, the ability it had to make life a fiction novel you read summers ago but still remember. Eventually 2 of the 5 were there with me for every moment that happened, 2 eventually became 3, then dropped to only one of the 5 when the other 2 realized their convictions and went back to the real life they were living. I guess this letter about the artist who's whinny breakup emo songs reminded me of you, made me realize that the past few years happened because I was bitter, I fully believe that I loved you, I loved you with everything that was in my small framed body, but it was more than just a feeling I had, It was my whole self, and when you kissed me for the last time in front of your dad's house, I began a life without you, the one that I had loved so much, and to think it was only supposed to be a trip to the gas station to get one of those breakfast sandwiches you liked so much, you know, the one with the pretzel bun, and oddly no meat..... I never liked them without meat, and still to this day those things remind me of you. But back to my whole point Tonight has been a good night for me because I realized why things were happening the way they have been, and I finally managed to forget the reasons I have hated you, because that is completely senseless, I don't hate you, I just want to see my dog again. I've tried to contact you, but it has been useless, because I didn't want to have to actually sit down and talk to you, but i was going to, and I still want to, because I just want you to realize how much I miss that so ugly it's adorable limping thing that walked around with her tongue out all of the time......... I miss her, I really need her to be around me again, I lost you as a lover, and a friend for a while because of the last statement, I don't want to lose the one female I could cuddle with and spend every waking hour with, and yet for obvious reasons never had a romantic thought about. I need her to be around me, I need her to be around to comfort me when I try to fix repair the damage I have done to my life over the course of time....... I tried everything to get her back, I thought of EVERYTHING, everything failed for one reason or another, but i didn't try to take her from you, I wouldn't attempt that again. I understand what it's like to lose her...... I don't want that, not for you, I have pushed my bitterness away and wouldn't want anyone else to experience the pain I've experienced..... I'm pretty sure you'll never read this, but it's just what was on my mind when I listened to that band that had the song that you once claimed explained everything.....

This is a Pen and Ink I did of my dog, Winnifred.

This is a Pen and Ink I finished last night, It's My friend Ian Rhoat's little boy, Rayner

I drew this a fe nights ago, It's done with a pen, and it's made up of dots and lines...

Today was a sweet day. It was so nice outside, I went skating with friend Dave^

I've always thought of some lyrics and artists as depressing. I personally only felt a little bit of some of dashboards songs, otherwise known as one of the most depressing artists with the most depressing songs. well tonight I heard a song by dashboard for the first time that hit hard.

DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

"Dusk And Summer"

She smiled in a big way, the way a girl like that smiles
when the world is hers and she held your eyes
out in the breezeway down by the shore in the lazy summer
and she pulled you in, and she bit your lip, and she made you hers
she looked deep into you as you lay together quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer.

But you've already lost [3x]
when you only had barely enough to hang on.

And she combed your hair, and she kissed your teeth
and she made you better than you'd been before
she told you bad things you wished you could change in the lazy summer
and she told you, laughing down to her core, so she would not cry as she lay in your lap
she said "nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer".

But you've already lost [3x]
when you only had barely enough to hang on.

She said, "no one is alone the way you are alone"
and you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known
some things tie your life together, in slender threads and things to treasure
days like that should last and last and last.

But you've already lost [3x]
when you only had barely enough of her to hang on.










It's odd I know, but I think this song defines something I remember O so well..... So if you read it again you could maybe understand why it did something chris carraba has never done before.